Men Can Hurt Too. Right?

Normally, when we think of domestic violence, we think of the woman being the victim.  We were raised to feel that men are stronger and can defend themselves all on their own.  A man doesn't need anyone to feel for them. Right?

A couple days ago, I received a lengthy comment from a man on this blog.  He pointed out that he was a victim of abuse years and years ago.  Even my first thought was that it must have been mental abuse.  However, by the time I got to the end of his comment, it was clear to me it was physical and mental. After all, abuse is abuse, no matter the form it is in.  I am going to quote him - he said "my story is less accepted because I am a man."  And unfortunately, he is right.  It should not be that way, but domestic violence is looked at as a woman's issue many times more than as a man's issue.  Women are typically looked at as the weaker sex; men are supposed to be the protectors.  But in reality, we are all equal when it comes to the affects domestic violence can have on both sexes. However, men are often reluctant to report abuse by women because they feel embarrassed, or they fear they won't be believed, or worse, that police will assume that since they're male they are the perpetrator of the violence and not the victim.

Men who suffer domestic violence can only receive help if they break the silence. Not reporting domestic violence because of the stigma attached is the main reason that men currently receive few services, and one of the reasons that studies on the issue are so few. Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence. There is NO “typical victim.” Victims of domestic violence come from all walks of life, varying age groups, all backgrounds, all communities, all education levels, all economic levels, all cultures, all ethnicities, all religions, all abilities, and all lifestyles.

There is no excuse for domestic violence against any man or woman.  So we will keep up the fight against domestic violence.  And one day, hopefully, we will see it end...

How I Got to Know Domestic Violence

I first met domestic violence as a child, probably around seven or eight years of age.  It wasn't in my own home, it was a friend's home.  Jane (not her real name) was my age and we were friends since we were babies.  Our parents were best friends and they had even gone to the same high school.

To begin, my sister and I were staying over night at Jane and her sister's for a sleepover. We drank soda, ate chips, listened to music, and tried to stay up all night.  Of course, we rarely made it the whole night without falling asleep.  That morning we were awakened to loud screaming.  Jane's parents were having an argument, then Jane's father yelled at us to come downstairs and clean up the kitchen, saying we had left a huge mess and we should know better than that. I can't say I was scared when he was yelling at the top of his lungs, just more confused about all the ruckus going on.  Jane and I began washing and drying the dishes while our sisters cleaned the table and swept the floor.

Then out of the blue, Jane's father suddenly backhanded Jane across the face.  He said the dishes weren't clean enough.  I felt stunned, even though I didn't fear he would lay a hand on me.  Jane's sister started crying and he started cursing at her.  I glanced at my sister and I think she was afraid even though I wasn't certain at that time.  Jane's mother started yelling at her husband to stop and leave the kids alone, but it just made him more infuriated that she was trying to undermine his "so-called" discipline.  He then charged at Jane's mother, but she ran into the bathroom and quickly shut the door.  That didn't stop him - he just busted it down and went in after her.

I remember her screaming and crying.  I heard the sound of someone being slapped and the sound of the shower rod and curtain hitting the floor.  Then all of a sudden - silence.  A few minutes later Jane's mother came out of the bathroom with her eyes red and mussed up hair.  She acted like everything was fine now and prodded us along to finish up with the kitchen.  Even Jane and her sister went about cleaning the kitchen as if nothing happened.  I believe there was no reaction from Jane and her sister once the domestic violence ended is because they were accustomed to the regular occurrences.  However, my sister and I were not.  My sister and I never told our parents what had happened because we thought they would keep us from spending the night with our best friends in the future.

That was just the beginning of the things we saw and experienced in our friend's home.

Great Commercial on Domestic Violence

As we are all aware, there has been much news about domestic violence in the media the past year, especially in the world of sports.  Domestic violence is on the news, social media, and other forms of media consistently on a daily basis.  It is even present in video games and television programs.

However, I have to give praise to this commercial that will be airing during the Super Bowl this Sunday.  I watched it and I must say I first thought the commercial was a joke, but as it played on I ended up getting chills.  The lady on the other end of that phone was courageous and took the chance that her abuser would discover what she was really up to.  I have heard this commercial is actually based on someone's real life incident. If it is, I give her much kudos for taking such a risky chance to free herself from the awful bonds of domestic violence.

Here is the link to view the commercial - http://fox2now.com/2015/01/29/nfl-to-air-first-super-bowl-commercial-addressing-domestic-violence-sexual-assault-2/

Anyone who has been in a domestic abuse situation will almost certainly reach a bottom, and then comes the instinct of survival.  Take charge of your life, heal yourself, and make your life the best it can be.

Why Do We Stay?

Exactly...why do we stay?
One of the most common reasons is the children.  Women tend to want to keep the family together at all costs, even at the expense of our own suffering.  For most, it can take quite a long time to realize that the situation we have been living in will never change, but only get worse.  We want to teach our children that families stay together through thick and thin, not bail out at the first sign of trouble. Also, we want our children to have a father in their lives.  All the stories about broken homes and the ill effects it has on children can be daunting and to think of our own children in such turmoil is a sure deterrent to keep us in the abusive household.  But in return, we are doing that...showing them a life of turmoil and abuse.  The mind's of young children are impressionable, and they learn what they see.
Another reason we stay is financial.  Often times, a woman in an abusive relationship is controlled.  She may not have a job or feel she does not have the skills to support herself and the children by herself.  That's when a support system is extremely important.  If at all possible, work with family members and friends to come up with a plan to watch the children if necessary while working or attending school.  Network with other single parents to trade off watching each others children.  You would be amazed at the help everyone needs and building yourself a reliable support network is well worth it.  Heck, you may even make some new great friends in the process.

Staying is the easy solution, Leaving may be the hardest decision you will ever make.  But if you are in an abusive relationship and you can imagine your life in a brilliant way, it is time to start planning and building that network of support.  Those thoughts of a better life are there for a reason and they are pushing you ever so gently to make that change.

Love Yourself

Ladies and gents,
We cannot spend all of our time on this blog with unpleasant subjects.  So here is a little inspiration.  This is a short poem I had written a couple years ago.  Hopefully, it'll get you through your day when you are feeling the doldrums.  Let's stand up and celebrate womanhood!


LADIES...CHOOSE YOUR MEN WISELY:

If he is a liar, he cannot inspire...your truth.
If he cannot speak the words of love and put your heart above...his own.
If he sees only himself and his needs, he will never bleed...for you.
If he cannot see your beauty, it is not your duty to stand purposely in his line of vision...
for it is time to move on from that blind, soul-less man and get a real man who can...LOVE YOU. - Charlotte Cox

Signs Must Be Read With Caution

We see signs everyday - a red light is a sign for us to stop while other vehicles are crossing and flashing school bus lights signal us to stop for children exiting the school bus, but when do we stop to heed the signs of domestic violence?  Are the signs of domestic violence as clear as the signs we see in our every day lives?
Often we brush off the early signs of domestic violence.  We think the person has only had a bad day or we justify some reason in our minds for their belittling actions.  One of the best pieces of advice I can give is to trust your gut instinct.  If something feels wrong, it probably is wrong.  The gift of instinct is there for a reason.  You have to trust your instincts and don't let your mind rationalize someone else's bad behavior.

 In my senior year of high school, signs were beginning to appear, but all I seen was the glorious possibilities of young love and it crumbled my instincts. Many times he would blame his parents for his internal anger, saying they imposed the "middle child syndrome" on him and treated him differently than his brother or sister. I bought his story.  He said he was the black sheep of his family.  Looking back, one of the first signs for me was him wanting me to give him my undivided attention.  Little by little, I was spending less time with my high school friends as he was demanding so much of my time.  My part time job as a waitress in my hometown diner was beginning to suffer as he was always their waiting for me in the parking lot.  However, that is not what I saw. I saw someone who wanted to be around me constantly because they loved me, cared for me, and needed me.  I thought I had the power to heal this person's injured soul.

Read the signs of domestic violence with caution.  There are many signs, but I wanted to include a few of the most common.  Here they are:

1. Jealousy - abuser is jealous of who the victim talks to or associates with.
2. Blame - abuser will blame others for his problems and takes no responsibility himself.
3. Dual Personality - abuser can be loving and caring and then suddenly become moody and angry.
4. Isolation - abuser eventually isolates the victim from his or her family and friends.

MY INTRODUCTION

Domestic violence - the words alone bring about many different types of emotions - fear, shame, doubt, loneliness, dread, depression, just to mention a few.  Amazingly, these words are associated with the victim of domestic violence.  Heck, the abuser is feeling all the power and control, feeling like he or she is on top of the world that they have the ability to bring someone to their knees with just one evil glance.  In reality, the abusers are the weakest individuals and they want to prevent the victim from regaining their own power.

Even if we are raised with parent(s) who encourage and teach us to be strong and stand up for ourselves, it is not impossible to fall into the cycle of domestic violence.  As any man or woman enters into a normal relationship, no one does so looking for a controlling person.  Many times we hear someone say "I would never be with someone like that" or "why do they stay with that person?" or "why don't they just get up and leave?".  Those are legitimate questions.  However, there is no easy answer for them.  The cycle of domestic violence is complex.

As I recall my experience with domestic violence throughout the late 80's and much of the 90's, it is much easier to look back and see why I stayed and understand why it took me so long to get myself out.  The reason why I am writing this blog is to help others who are caught in this hindering cycle we call domestic violence.  Hopefully, as I relay my own experiences, it will help someone find the courage and strength within themselves to end that cycle.